Department of Edumacation Clarifies Position on Gay Cartoon Characters

PRESS RELEASE

Department of Edumacation Clarifies Position on Gay Cartoon Characters
and introduces new edumacational initiative

FOR RELEASE:
January 31, 2005

Recent controversies over gay cartoon characters require us to clarify our position. In response to these events, we are also introducing a new program, the “La-La-La!” program, designed to promote new edumacational values to our nation’s children.

As you may have heard, a cartoon on Public Television is attempting to depict a family of bunnies where both parents are female. Clearly, they are using public money in a non-inflammatory representation of homosexuality. This can only serve to confuse children.

Some of you might ask, “Wait a minute, government officials talk about gays all the time. Aren’t my tax dollars already going into talking about gays?”

Well, yes. But there is a difference. That cartoon had the audacity to show gays as healthy, happy and caring parents. We have determined that gays must only exist as objects of controversy.

We can only imagine that they have chosen the gay lifestyle in order to frighten us and to destroy Western Civilization with their gayness.

We are now attempting to cut funding for Public Television because
1) they did not show gays in their proper role as targets of persecution, and
2) Public Television is a form of socialism started by Lyndon Johnson, who was a left-wing communist sympathizer.

We are also launching a new initiative, the “La-La-La!” program.

The proper role of edumacation is not to expose children to ideas that are unfamiliar and scary. We are in the business of reinforcing what they already think, in keeping with the teachings of Jesus and Santy Claus.

Teachers are now required to instruct students in the following technique:

Whenever you hear something strange or odd or in conflict with your world view, cover your ears, close your eyes and chant “La-La-La-La-La…” until the offending message goes away.

Teachers who fail to instruct students in this technique will endanger Federal funding for their schools. Strict enforcement will be necessary because
1) Public education is a form of socialism and
2) It was started by Horace Mann, who was an anarchist.

To be clear, the Department of Edumacation is not promoting an ideology. We are only one part of a larger public relations effort to divide the country culturally. When governmental power becomes highly centralized, scapegoats are necessary in order to control the public discourse and divert the anxieties of the masses away from the powerful and toward the weak.

We do not officially hate gays. They have merely made themselves convenient targets with their gay pride parades and their flamboyant dancing. After gays are sufficiently demonized, we will move on the college professors and other members of the intellectual elite.

The Department of Edumacation will not hate anyone. However, other participants in this PR effort (email groups, talk radio, pundits) will amplify the messages as they see fit.

The Department of Edumacation is only helping reinforce a network of beliefs and values in the minds of consumers.

Isn’t that, after all, what edumacation really is?

Isn’t it?

NOTE:

This is not actually a Dept. of Ed. Press release. It is satire. Get it? Also, I’m a straight guy (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I do, however, have family members and friends who are gay. Their gayness does not hurt me. What’s more, they are kind, decent, require love like anyone else and are being treated like second-class citizens for political reasons.

And that ticks me off.

©© 2005 McLir