Dear Moesha,

Sweetheart, I cannot tell you what a godsend you are, given my current
state of despair. When love leaves, the drabness of the heart seems
beyond remedy. Then a light appears from the clear blue and shines
the way.

I am delighted that you are an accountant. Perhaps it is premature to
ask but if you are able to decrypt the labyrinthine finances of my
personal holdings, I would be so enormously grateful. Tax time is
fast approaching and the forms, the forms, the forms, they nibble like
a zillion ducks at the humble loaf of bread which is my mind.

But I am jumping ahead.

So you wish to move to America my little gingersnap? Very well. I do
have a marvelous room available. I should tell you it is Floyd's old
room (or the "shrine to Floyd," as I now refer to it). Attached is a
picture.

Floyd's tastes ran from the kitschy to the jejune and I trust you will
refrain from touching any of the priceless artifacts.

The bed you can use. I will remove the zebra-shin blankets and
preserve them properly in my underground vault.

Now I should warn you that I am of a persuasion that the unschooled
may find eccentric. Ngyarng-ngyrang! Ex-squeeze me, did I say that?

Anyhoo, my daily regimen is very strict.

4:30am I awaken to Wagner on the Hi-Fi and proceed to engage in nude
calisthenics and jogging in the wintry climes of my estate. I advise
you to shutter your windows. No one needs to see a broken-hearted old
man dancing naked in the snow.

The purpose of this folly is merely cardiovascular. My only
exhibitionism is the company of fellow thespians. Are you interested
in the Theater?

7:00am sharp my servants provide a breakfast of carrots and imitation
soy food cast into exotic shapes.

8:30am I continue working on my greatest invention ever! A piano!
The largest piano ever built!

Interspersed, I divide my time between the house finances, kung fu and
practicing show tunes. I have the lungs of a steamer ship and the
walls in this overpriced mansion mare thinner than the shim of a
scrim. I hope you like music.

Dinner is the time to entertain. Vodka, Jameson's and tequila all
flow freely amid the appetizers of Cheeze-Its, dried mushrooms and
beets.

Every Friday, I host the Detroit Whiffenpoofs – strapping young men
one and all. There are a few I know less well than the others and
perhaps you may find among them a good husband if you are into that
kind of thing.

10:00pm primal scream therapy

11:00pm a night cap

11:45pm bed.

I am a light sleeper so please don't make any noises. A bed pan will
be provided to you to spare us both the creaky nuisance of nighttime
bathroom trips.

In my spare time, I serve the great art of the Theater – my only
enduring love, alas. Despite the bombasts, the prima donnas and the
megalomaniacs, it has never played fickle with my tender heart.

My nickname in the local theater troupe is "the tyrant." You should
know the name is earned as much from respect as from fear.

But I have rambled too much.

Let us now get down to business.
The deposit on the room is $10,000. Then it is $5,000 per month for a
total of $60,000 per year.

However, you have shown such generosity that I am willing to waive the
deposit entirely. I require only one condition:

Allow me to teach you proper grammar. Your command of English is
woeful and repugnant. If you are a model and an accountant, you must
comport yourself in a manner befitting a lady of your intrinsic
beauty.

If I had not seen your picture I would have presumed you were some
manner of petty thief given the coarseness of your linguistic habits.

I demand nothing less than perfection from each and all for whom I
bless company. Those who devote themselves always find benefit and
shower me with praise for my wisdom.

Except, of course, Floyd.

Excuse me, I must stop writing now.

Thank you for waiting.

As for the estate finances, I could use your advice on how to renew my
property as an official wildlife preserve for the State of Michigan.
My staff is completely flummoxed on this detail. Perhaps your
accounting experience may help.

So what do you say?

I shall teach you grammar and waive the deposit. Then you can move
here far less expensively. I will teach to express yourself with
greater precision and the rest is the humble bounty of my estate.

I am anxious to give you a tour of the grounds. There is a snake
house, a monkey house, caribou, oxen, a heavily sedated Bengal tiger
and dozens of parrots (the parrots much live indoors during these cold
months). My dearest per, Olivier the llama, endures all the
vicissitudes of the local climate. Llamas are very wise animals. To
listen to their silence ennobles the soul.

Please write back soon as I am temperamental when patience defies me.

Toodles,
Hans